Helping Aging Parents From a Distance Can Feel Like a Second Job
Helping Aging Parents From a Distance Can Feel Like a Second Job
If you are trying to help aging parents while living across town, two hours away, or in another state, you may have discovered something that many adult children learn the hard way: long-distance caregiving can begin to feel like a second job.
You may know exactly what your parents need. The difficult part is making those things happen when you cannot physically be there.
Maybe your father has just returned home after a hospital stay and suddenly needs much more help than he did before. Your mother is still there with him, but you are beginning to notice that she is becoming forgetful herself. Your brother or sister may live even farther away and have work, children, and responsibilities of their own.
So you do as much as you can from a distance.
You call to make sure medications were taken. You remind your parents about doctor's appointments. You talk with medical providers, home-care agencies, relatives, neighbors, and other people who might be able to help. You may order groceries, arrange transportation, schedule repairs, deal with insurance paperwork, and try to figure out whether Mom and Dad are really doing as well as they say they are.
Then something happens that requires someone to actually be there.
That's when the limitations of long-distance caregiving become painfully obvious.
You still have a job. You may have children or grandchildren who need you. You have a home and responsibilities of your own. You cannot simply drop everything and drive several hours every time there is a problem.
And yet, in the back of your mind, there is a constant question:
Are my parents still safe living at home, and am I doing enough to help them?
You Don't Have to Do Everything Yourself
One of the most important things for adult children to recognize is that helping aging parents does not necessarily mean personally performing every task.
Instead, your role may gradually change from doing everything yourself to coordinating the people and services that can help your parents remain safe.
That might include home-care assistance, transportation services, meal delivery, medication management, home modifications, housekeeping, lawn care, a medical alert system, or trusted friends and neighbors who can check in periodically.
Sometimes those additional supports are enough to allow a parent to continue living safely at home.
Sometimes they aren't.
When the House Becomes Part of the Problem
The home itself also needs to be evaluated.
A house that worked perfectly well for your parents at age 55 may become increasingly difficult at age 75, 80, or 85.
Stairs, bathrooms, narrow doorways, poor lighting, exterior maintenance, laundry in the basement, and even the distance from the bedroom to the bathroom can become significant concerns.
There may be practical modifications that make the home safer. Grab bars, improved lighting, non-slip flooring, a walk-in shower, ramps, stairlifts, or other improvements can sometimes make an enormous difference.
But there comes a point when families need to ask a harder question:
Are we adding reasonable support to a home that still works, or are we continually trying to compensate for a living situation that no longer makes sense?
That is an important distinction.
Staying at Home Isn't the Only Successful Outcome
Many older adults understandably want to remain in their homes. If they can do so safely, comfortably, and financially, that may be an excellent choice.
But aging in place should not automatically be the goal at any cost.
For some seniors, moving to a smaller one-story home, condominium, independent living community, assisted living community, or another setting closer to adult children may ultimately provide greater safety, social interaction, and peace of mind.
The right answer is different for every person.
The objective shouldn't be to convince Mom or Dad to move. It also shouldn't be to keep them in their current home simply because that is where they have always lived.
The objective is to carefully evaluate the choices and determine which living arrangement best meets their needs.
Long-Distance Adult Children Need Help Too
This is something I understand both professionally and personally.
I've helped many seniors and their adult children work through these decisions, including adult children who live outside of my city of Louisville, KY and cannot be here every time something needs to be done.
I've also experienced many of these challenges with my own parents and mother-in-law. I know how quickly caregiving responsibilities can grow and how difficult it can be to balance what your parents need with your own work, family, and responsibilities.
When a move becomes the best solution, my role as a Realtor® often goes well beyond selling the house. Sometimes the seniors can continue to age in place with the help of what is called a "Geriatric Care Manager" or "Aging Life Care Manager". Check out this page for more information.
I can help coordinate many of the details locally if your parents are in Louisville, Jefferson County, Oldham County, Shelby County, Spencer County, or Bullitt County, including meeting contractors, arranging movers and other service providers, checking on the property, providing progress updates and photographs, and helping manage the many small issues that otherwise might require an adult child to repeatedly travel to Louisville.
For adult children who live hundreds or even thousands of miles away, having a trusted person locally who can help coordinate these details can make an enormous difference.
Start With the Right Question
If helping your parents from a distance is beginning to feel like a second job, don't begin by asking:
"How am I going to keep doing all of this?"
Start with a different question:
"What does Mom or Dad actually need in order to live safely and comfortably, and who can help provide it?"
The answer may involve bringing more help into the home. It may involve modifying the home. It may mean sharing responsibilities among family members and professionals.
Or it may eventually mean considering a different living arrangement.
You don't have to know the answer before you begin the conversation.
You just need a thoughtful process for figuring it out.
